Morden Corinthians 3rd XI versus Woodmansterne CC - 4th XI
40 overs a side.
Raynes Park pitch 2
Weather: Sunny, warm and a bit windy.
Pitch: Hard and straw coloured!
Date: 28/06/08
Result: MCCC win by 70 runs.

The Mighty Thirds (as ever line up a little changed, Paul, Gopal, Imran, Ewan and Vivek making way for Amit, Andy, David, Vikram and Richard), descended on Raynes Park looking to keep winning games.

Captain Cliffo won the toss for once and chose to have a bat (partly due to the oppo skipper saying they were a bit light on the bowling and therefore to ensure a full days play). Theo “The Chemist” Moore and Hemant “Look for Three!” Patel were sent out to make a start. Hemant was his usual solid self but Theo was struggling to time the ball (although he did manage to sweep the opening spinner for 4) and progress was a little slow. The first wicket fell when the first change bowler (a bowler of left arm grenades) trapped Theo LBW after his eyes lit up and he missed a wild swing (10(24), 26-1).

Amit “The Kaboom is with me!” Khare was in next and he decided he rather liked the grenades and opened his account six, dot, six, six (18 off 4 balls, strike rate 450). He wasn’t finished yet though and although he slowed down a bit, runs flowed freely. With Hemant sticking around at the other end Morden reached around 85 by the drinks break (Amit closing in fast on 50). The onslaught continued after the break until Hemant was stumped for a Rahul Dravid like (23(63), 107-2).

This brought Andy “Where has my Kaboom gone?” Allan to the crease and although he tried a few big shots nothing really connected. Amit was having no problems though and was progressing smoothly towards a hundred (or so it looked at the time). Eventually Andy popped one up for a caught and bowled (8(16), 136-3). Girish “My batting form is getting there” Patel joined Amit and tucked into some slightly wayward bowling. Amit was now into the 90’s but disaster struck when he missed a straight one and was bowled for an outstanding 96(72) (5 sixes, 8 fours) (184-4).

Captain Cliffo was next in and hitting out was the order of the day a barrage of slogs/mows helped him to 41(26) by the end of the 40 overs, Girish finishing with 29(29). MCCC had piled up a massive 260-4. It was looking good for another win…

Excellent teas again consumed, The Mighty 3rds took the field looking for the win. Vikram “Always late!” Sangar opened with Rich “er I can’t think of a nickname” Wainer and Vik struck in his first over to bowl the number 2 for a duck with one that kept a bit low. The momentum continued to be with MCCC as Richard picked up a couple more wickets (the numbers 1 and 3 both bowled). To leave Woodmansterne in a fair bit of trouble (Note there is no record of the fall of wickets…). Raj “don’t make me angry” Sharma replaced Vik “The Southall Express” Sangar and removed the number 5 (again bowled).

The Woodmansterne number 4 (Jay Vyas) (a classy left hander with a beautiful cover drive) was looking quite good and proceeded to haul his team back into contention against the “All sorts” of Theo and the pace of Geoff “Sugar is my friend” Balasoglou, and as a result both finished their spells wicketless. Andy A and Girish were called upon and the run rate was slowed (the asking rate was up to about 7 or 8 an over by now). Girish eventually removes the number 6 for a decent 18 (caught by Andy at mid on). The number 7 continues the fight though and hope is only lost when Andy finally bowls the left hander for an excellent 60. The innings peters out a bit after this but Cliffo does manage to get in on the act by claiming the numbers 8 and 9 (both bowled). The innings eventually closes on 190-8. The mighty 3rds claim another good win and everyone goes home happy.

A quick note about the oppo who were a nice bunch of guys who played the game in an excellent spirit.

Man of the match goes to Amit for his 96, no muppet moments once again an excellent performance in the field. Special mention to David Cilfford for his first stint as a wicketkeeper.

Morden 2nd XI vs Englefield Green 2nd XI (Away) Won

Morden Corinthians lost toss and were put in to bat. MCCC 133 all out. Englefield Green 32 all out. MCCC won by 101 runs. Nadika 65; Pinkney 4 for 12; Watt 3 for 12.


It promised to be a wet day – although the forecast was wrong. Equally wrong was the forecast that MCCC were in trouble at 37 for 4 and 53 for 6. “Big Nads” came to the rescue with a well constructed 65. We seemed to make batting look difficult and with more ducks on the scorecard than on the local pond – although as the teams “keeper / scorer” who am I to comment?

Simon and Mark went early without troubling the scorer and then Jason and Pal dug in. Quite literally. There was more movement between the trenches in 1914. As they doggedly turned threes into twos and twos in singles the score slowly edged closer to something still unrespectable. Nads then went through more partners than Aza on a Saturday night as we limped to 133 all out.

Spirits were lifted by the usual Englefield excellent teas as we prepared for an ominously short second half.

The first surprise of the day was the announced opening pairing of Mega-Watt and the Pinkney. The second was an honest batsman who walked after tickling one through to the keeper with Englefield on 1-7.

With spirits soaring Mega struck again with an LBW and the Pinkney opened his account with a catch to Jason. 3-8; now the chatter began and hope was restored. Batsman 4 was grabbed by the Nads (never a pleasant experience) to give GP his second of the day (4-9). This soon became 5-9 as the unstoppable power of the Wattage clean bowled the next crease occupant. Then defensive play was only thwarted by GP after Mark “Silver-Fox” clung onto a skyer. A day of surprises was topped surely by a caught and bowled by Pinkney to leave EG on 7-15.

The tired and elated opening pair were switched to Dan and Pal with the latter quickly reducing the opponents to 9-29 with a fine catch by Dan. Himself then finding the edge for the last two with a catch to Aza (lets hope not his only one of the evening) and finally “S” Brown to seal the day.

Reeling from the unlikely outcome and good fortune – the team, I presume, all stopped off on the way home to buy the rollover lottery tickets.

Batting: Nadeeka "big nads" Victor

Bowling: Graham "scoreboard" Pinkney

Moment: Graham's C&B - never seen the man jump like that in my life.

Morden Corinthians 3rd XI versus Trinity (Oxley)
Playing conditions: 40 overs a side.
Venue: Raynes Park pitch 2
Weather: Dull and grey.
Pitch: Very green!
Date: 21/06/08
Result: MCCC win by 41 runs.
Author - Theo Moore

The Mighty 3rds assembled at Raynes Park on a rather dull afternoon looking for a 5th win of a rather impressive season, which has only seen them lose twice (to impressive Crossbats and Wimbledon XI’s). Trinity (Oxley) were the opponents (consisting mainly of small boys and old men) and the lads were confident. The MCCC team included a club debut for Gopal Patel (son of Girish, so no pressure there!).

Captain Cliffo lost the toss and was (as seems to be usual) inserted, given the conditions this was not a good start, but at least we’d get the better light for batting.

Brian “seeing it like a football” Clifford and Hemant “look for 3” Patel strode out to the middle looking to make a solid start and build an innings. Brian however chased a wide one on his second legal delivery and slapped it to mid off where a small boy took a decent catch on the run (6-1), Clifford 0(2)). Paul “Yorkshire Leagues” Low was the next man in and he and Hemant played themselves in and accumulated until Paul top edged a pull to the keeper (8(16), 22-2). Girish “50* or nothing” Patel joined his brother and steadily saw off the opening bowlers until Hemant “always call for a run that isn’t there” Patel ran himself out after hitting the ball firmly to mid off and charging down the wicket only for Girish to stay where he was, as there was never a run there. Hemant attempted to regain his ground but was well short in the end (7(53), 33-3).

Imran “The Chairman” Ahmed was next in and built a solid partnership with Girish which eeked the score to around 50-3 at the drinks break. MCCC had wickets in hand though and with Girish now picking up a steady stream of ones and twos Imran unleash a selection of drives/ungainly mows and find the boundary he eventually perished LBW to the opposition captain (an aged man called Geoff) (34(50) 110-4).

This left around 8 overs for the batmen in hand to “Unleash the Kaboom©!” Theo “Corinthian Spirit” Moore was in first and after taking a look at a couple started swinging at everything, success was limited though and Theo was eventually bowled charging the aged old man (4(10) 119-5). Ewan “shot a ball madness” Cotter in next and the swinging continued while Girish looked on from the other end, some luck, edges and the odd lusyt blow, including a the obligatory reverse sweep (missed this time) and Ewan is eventually bowled trying another heave (9(17), 138-6).

Gopal “Junior” Patel and has immediate instructions to be rather “un-Patel-like” and try and smack it from the off. He did his best but the one good connection resulted in an equally good stop from the bowler (strictly a dropped chance), he was bowled next ball. (0(4) 141-7), It was a game situation knock to be fair and given a less intense situation he looks to have plenty of batting ability. Vivek “mysterious groin injury” Sarohia was next in with just over an over left. He and Girish took MCCC through to the end of the 40 overs. Girish (51*(74)) Vivek (6*(5)) MCCC 152-7 (40 overs). A pretty decent total given the state of the pitch and the slowness of the outfield.

After another excellent tea the hunt for wickets began….

Brian reinstated himself to bowling duties and bowled an excellent first over which ended with him removing the younger opener for a duck caught well at slip by Vivek, despite Paul’s attempt to put him off with an ambitious dive/cuddle. Raj opened at the other end and took a few balls to find his rhythm. Brian however was on a roll and in the next over he bowled the other opener. Raj soon got in on the act too when the number 3 top edged one to Geoff at fly slip (captain’s note – this was outstanding field placing and definitely not luck). Brian then gets an nailed on LBW decision to leave Trinity (Oxley) reeling at 21-4.

After this opening blast Raj is replaced by Gopal Patel who despite opening with a ball which nearly hit himself in the toe, recovered well to bowl some extremely tidy medium pace. Meanwhile Cliffo has had a brainwave/moment of insanity/moment of genius and brings Theo on for a bowl. Second ball the number 6 toe ends a wide one for Paul to take an excellent catch cue the usual huge celebrations. (cheers Paul). Theo bowls 2 overs of mixed legspin and dart balls before Geoff eventually gets a go. Gopal meanwhile has picked up his first wicket for the club having the number 7 caught by Girish “Proud dad” Patel at deepish mid off. (Trinity 40-6).

The pace of Geoff in fading light proves tricky for the batsman to pick up and they waft away with little contact. Geoff decides enough is enough and bowls the number 8 for 8 with a pearler that clips the top of off stump.
This brings the old man in (complete with Graham Gooch helmet circa. 1984) and people begin to worry for his safety. Without justification however as he looks pretty solid after a few balls and even wander down the wicket to try and hoik Geoff into the pavilion. Geoff gets the dangerous number 5 for 39 though bowled in a similar manner to his first wicket (Trinity 78-8).

Girish replaces Gopal and produces his usual nagging accuracy. At the other end Ewan comes on and although a few balls go skywards they all land safe. Girish bowls the old man (105-9) and this brings in a small boy at number 11. In a customary show of brinkmanship Cliffo lets Vivek bowl an over and after a few wides the small boy pops a catch to Geoff at short midwicket (111 ao). Giving Vivek his first club wicket and a better bowling average than several regular bowlers (Uh Oh!).

The Mighty 3rds have wrapped up victory by 41 runs. Everyone contributed, no real muppet moments, match played in excellent spirit.

Monty moment

Vivek’s catch at first slip to nail the first wicket. Top reactions, considering he couldn’t walk.

Jonty moment

Not a single catch or misfield in the MCCC fielding effort! Therefore the award goes to the opposition wicketkeeper, who managed to drop Girish off of the gentlest skier you’ve ever seen. We believe the unlucky bowler is still at RPSSC telling everyone what happened.

Man of the match

Lumboo’s 3-8 would normally win it, but he blotted his copybook with a second ball duck. Girish therefore wins it for 51*, 1 wicket and 1 catch. Well done Gopal snr!

Captain’s comment

Great team performance from a slightly understrength team. Fielding and bowling much improved from last week’s horror show against Epsom Methodists.

Morden Corinthians vs Ottershaw & Ham Moor
Saturday 21 June 2008 at Raynes Park Sports Club

The 1st team arrived at there home ground to an overcast and damp day. As usual the captain was late, blaming the wife for his lateness. Steve decided to leave the scorebook at home so the brothers grim were off to a good start. The toss was won by the away team and they elected to bat. So they boys went out to field missing two of their regulars Jason Howarth who having looked in really good nick the previous week had decided to have a break and Nick Hughes who was probably on an all weekender.

Ryan and Matt opened the bowling, the pitch was harder than expected and there was some decent pace and bounce being had. Ryan’s ruffing up of one of the openers nearly paid off when he edged one to first slip, but it was put down when Corrie decided to commit himself and dropped it. Matt was bowling tidily from the other end and after 10 overs the oppo were crawling along at about 2,5 runs over but hadn’t lost a wicket. AJ and Tush then came on. The opening bats were starting to push the ball around a bit now and getting lucky with a few shots guided over slip, AJ moaning that they weren’t true shots and that he was going to have one of the batsmen. AJ didn’t get the chance to have revenge because he was hauled off for Tiaan. Tush was switched to the other end, which was surprising considering he claims he doesn’t know how to bowl down hill after being annihilated by a ten year old a couple of weeks ago. Tiaan was really ripping the ball and wasted no time in having the 1st batsmen tidily stumped by Corrie. Tiaan started to run through the batsmen and had 4 wickets from his ten overs. Craig was bowling his banana balls from the other side and had one of there batsmen caught behind, yet the umpire and batsmen seemed to playing on a different field and didn’t see or hear anything, despite the players on pitch three hearing a noise. We were going to get made to pay for this with the guy going on to make 49. Gerry came on and almost had a wicket when the ball was smashed straight back at him and he managed to get a hand on it and taking all the pace off it and sending it Tushs way, but he only managed to drop it and then claimed for some reason that he was running in the opposite direction. By this time there were only a few overs left and the slog was on. After a few big shots the oppo ended up on a respectable 188. If the opener had been caught when he was on four and the other batsmen had done the decent thing and walked the oppo would have struggled to get 90.

Steve and Matt opened things up. It wasn’t long before Steve was back in the pavilion getting bowled by a corker that cut back in (at least he attempted a shot this week when getting bowled). Matt followed pretty soon afterwards. So Corrie and Tiaan set about steadying the ship before they were both gone. We were looking shaky at 40 odd for 4. This brought the two leaders to the crease Gerry and Roy. Roy set about trying to finish the innings in about 5 overs (The missus probably wanted him home by six), while Gerry was happy to push the ball around. They had an outstanding partnership of just over a hundred runs before Roy was gone after getting a good 54. Gerry was out shortly afterwards also getting 54. This brought Imran and Craig’ I should be on a driving range’ Harper. Craig was so eager to have a funnel that he tried get the 30 runs needed in about 3 balls smashing holes in the roofs of the neighbouring house as he went about his business. Craig threatened to show us his reverse hit if he was on strike with a couple of runs left to get. But he chickened out saying he didn’t want to damage any cars in the car park. Nevertheless the boys wrapped up an easy win with 12 overs to spare.

Batsmen: Gerry/ Roy (54 runs)

Bowler: Tiaan (4 wickets)

Moment: Tush actually keeping down a funnel

MCCC 2nd Team versus Weybridge 4XI (Home)
Lost toss and put into Bat, Won by 68 Runs
Barmy Conditions

Well after a few Sunday avo refreshments here goes.

14/06/08 the day that delivered.

Captain Watson lost the toss. maybe he wasn't using that lucky jumbo coin of his. However it was a pitch for runs and he says... don't worry lads we got plenty of batting today. Come 10 minutes before game time half the team had still not showed. Eventually after watching Weybridge complete their 30 minute training session, we had 9 keen cricketers a very dodgy looking Azzam and a no show. So Pal and Simon Padded up and head out to inflict some damage. As usual the first 6 overs ticked up all of a handful of runs. The plus side.... no wickets lost. Which brings me to something Pal in currently undergoing treatment for. Yes that's right a dodgy quick single call from the captain had Big Pal stretching. Unfortunately he was a little short and we were 6-1. In steps Matt "Ricky Ponting" Potter. Both batsmen settle in and seem to be ready for a big afternoon. At this stage someone remembered that we only had 10 men, so after a little debating on options, Grahame Pinkney was relieved of his umpiring duties on field 1 and recalled into the squad. After the first bowling change Simon had reached double figures. That's where it finished. Cleaned bowled by an absolute Jaffa that would of troubled even the great Martin Crowe. This bought in Mark "Silver Fox" Bartram who wasted no time putting the ball to all ends of the park before he was caught going a little aerial one to many times. In...... and out came Jadid "The Sunday Specialist" Which then brings us to Nadeeka "Big Nads" Victor. As always the big fella didn't disappoint and looked like cashing in on the ever increasing run rate. Unfortunately LBW was the decision, which seems rather strange as Big Nads was looking down at a bright red mark on the inside edge of his bat. This had the home side 76-5. Enter Azzam (bet you cant get both your hands round my bicep) Malik. Still not looking good at all. All blurred vision aside, and turning easy 3's into 2's Azzam was back in business. Matt had him running the hangover off in no time. When drinks came onto the field it seems all a little too much for Azzam, I think the strong citrus cordial got the better of him, pulling up what looked like..... ok i'll stop there. On the plus side we had 100 up and Matt stayed around filling in the "Simon Watt stay in the whole innings philosophy". It all went pear shaped at 118 as Azzam was caught guiding one through the cordon. Enter Colin "Sean" Porter. As always this smiling No.8 batsman had runs on the menu and went about increasing the teams strike rate pushing singles into 2's and putting up with Matt taking singles on the last ball of the over. After looking good and forming a 20 odd run partnership we can only ask what was umpire Watson thinking when he raised his finger ending a colourful, entertaining yet minute 5 run contribution. Although Matt "Ricky Ponting" Potter had the situation under control, he was running out of batsmen. Step in Steve O'Neil. Playing an array of strokes all over the ground these two had the book keepers busy. The run rate was skipping in leaps and bounds as the young Weybridge lads were getting stretched to all corners. Matt soon did the impossible and reached 100. Big round of applause from all on the boundary, even a few from the 1st's as well. (don't even think about poaching our high scoring, Aussie import :> he hardly ever turns up anyway....) Anyway the overs were running short and the goal was to reach 200. Once Steve O departed, Steve Vickory and Grahame Pinkney added a few, unfortunately 194 was as high as it was going today.

Tea Break

So the change of innings looked as professional as ever. As the Weybridge batters are waiting to come on, a couple of lads were checking out the pitch, a couple having a ciggy, Colin throwing the ball around like a mad man and Azzam still complaining about the night before. Simon finally managed to get the team into position and it was game on. Azzam and Nedeeka opened the bowling. Both making a good line and length. The first wicket came with only 6 on the board, a brilliant diving catch by the Aussie in the slips. There were several partnerships forming but none holding up to the resistance of the mighty Morden pace attack. Colin pinching a couple with Watson and Nadeeka taking some fairly simple catches. Watson was the next one to line up, cashing in on the expense of Weybridge's middle order. The fielding was sharp all day except for a slight brain failure with a certain fielder in the mid off region. Azzam quick as always chasing down those outfield balls really putting pressure on the running between the wickets. And of course we cant forget Colin's diving efforts producing sweet fanny adams. Once the 50 run partnership was ended Weybridge were starting to look vulnerable at 118-7. The lads got the feeling that victory was in their sights for the first time this season and quickly snapped up the last couple of wickets in double quick time. Pal grabbing the last wicket with an absolute screamer C&B. Walking off the field there was a crowd of Weybridge's players and supporters applauding us for our efforts. Not a sight that we are used to. Many thanks to all of Weybridge's crowd who stuck around all day cheering their young lads on.

Player of the Day: Matt Potter

Bring on next week

Colin "they call me Sean, not sure why" Porter

MCCC 1st Team versus Sutton
League
Played at Raynes Park
Lost Toss and batted
Cloudy and semi hard pitch
Won by 92 runs

The league crew descended upon the hallowed grounds of Raynes Park with Jim Patels words hanging above their heads. Jim informing us that no more easy games in the league existed. The boys were missing a few players namely the spin king Tiaan, The mighty all rounder and opening bat Matt Reid and a part time cricketer who calls himself the captain. Roy’s excuse being something about a one year wedding anniversary trip to Paris. Talk about having your priorities. Anyway the rest of the lads arrived to take up the challenge of Sutton. The boys were to be lead by Gerry due to Roy’s preference of an anniversary trip rather than to play cricket. Gerry lost the toss and the oppo asked us to bat. In a shocking act, Gerry asked Andrew “ Cant bat cant bowl cant field” Jarrett to open the batting with Steve “Cover drive isn’t what it used to be” Cumings. AJ declining the offer as he felt it was a trick to get an instant funnel fine as he cant last longer than 4 balls usually. The skip moved on to Tush but unfortunately Tush had not had the foresight to think that his cricket trousers were required. It was decided that AJ would attempt to open after Gerry refused Tushe’s offer of playing in his pink hot pants. Tush was devastated as he had gone from number 1 to 11 in a blink of an eye and a forgotten pair of trousers. AJ padded up with his in-laws from the states watching (first game of cricket). The skip telling AJ that he had all the time to bat and that he didn’t need to swing like there is only 4 balls left. AJ promised the skip that he would attempt to play patiently. The attempt went out of the window as AJ swung at the first ball he received followed closely by the next 3. The boys on the sideline were horrified. This continued until AJ was kindly dropped at slip when he was on 8 and in the third over. Steve bollocked AJ and he cleaned up his act. Steve and AJ pushing things along and provided a 71 run partnership. Steve falling to a great ball which nipped back and bowled Steve as he was posing on off stump. Jason “Daydreamer” Howarth arrived and wasted no time in dispatching the bowling with his new bat. AJ managed to get to 50 then danced down the track and got stumped. AJ was replaced by Hefner Hughes who decided that instead of the usual slip catching practice he has been providing he would provide outfield catching practice instead. The score was now are 100-3 from 22 over’s. Nick was replaced by the skip Gerry. Jason was next to go for a quick and classy fire 40. Corrie joined the skip to take up the challenge. Gerry was out next and this brought in the genuine article- the star- the beast –the big Kahuna Craig “Bench press In a Kiwi jersey” Harper. Now no one has ever seen Craig so focused. The sole reason for Craig’s determination was not his impressive average, but the fact that he refused to let AJ score more runs than him. Craig set about the bowling attack like a bulimic at an all you can eat buffet. No one was safe, Old and young were dispatched. Craig reached his fifty in about 3 balls. Not content with this and fearing a double funnel for rocking up in an All Blacks Jersey, Craig decided to accelerate the run rate even more. His eyes lit up when the young Spinner came on. Craig smashed the youngster for 3 enormous sixes which included one that hit the top of the football fence and one that landed in the cars. Craig was blazing away and the oppo were rocked. Craig accelerated so quickly that his second 42 came from about 10 balls. Pikeys were seen running for cover as the Harper artillery barrage went into full force. He fell to a good catch 8 short of his century. Corrie added 22 and the rest of the boys went down swinging. We ended on 274 all out from 44 over’s. The sidelines were ablaze with chirp as AJ was showing Steve how to play the cover drive and Craig was demanding that he bat before Roy when the skip returned from his weekend away.

After tea the lads took to the field. AJ refused to open as he was a batsman now. Craig who was determined to get the man of the match award demanded the ball (which resembled a corkie with a bit of seam and a patch of torn leather thanks to his big hitting). Ryan “At least one beamer” Lang started proceedings and began to bowl fantastically. Craig received from punishment from the one opener who looked like he was out to score at 10 runs a ball. Ryan made the breakthrough getting the other opener caught behind from a good piece of bowling. Craig “definitely not a bowler anymore” Harper was reluctantly replaced by AJ. Aj managing to get the dangerous opener with his first ball. Ryan was replaced by the Tushinator after a fantastic spell of 6 over’s for 2 runs and one wicket (with a ball that was destroyed). AJ soldiered on for 5 over’s and was having fun with his slower ball. AJ was replaced by NK who began to bowl well. The next breakthrough came when NK ran out the number 3 with a Jonty “Not Jason Howarth” Rhodes moment. The batsmen taking a sharp single but NKs stop and release at midd off was to good and the direct hit leaving the batsman out. The oppos number 4 looked a good batsman and he began to play some great shots. The oppo never hit the 6 an over that was required and were 80 for 4 after 22 overs. The next wicket came when Gerry replaced NK. The bat scooped the ball to point where Jason was actually sleeping on his feet. The shouts of the boys awakening Jay from his slumber in time to take the catch. Some muppetry followed this when AJ dived over the ball but the icing on the cake came when the batsmen took a quick single to NK again. Nk fired in the bal. Tush ran to the bowlers end but slipped and impaled himself on the middle stump. Tush fell over and it looked as if a sniper had shot him in the arse, jumped up took off like a fox being chased by the hounds holding his nads and arse at the same moment then collapsed again 5 meters away. What followed can only be described as indecent behaviour in a public place as Tush simultaneously rubbed himself at both ends in an attempt to make the pain go away. A few of the boys asked Tush if he wanted some time on his own as the image was quite disturbing. The laughter and tears died down after about 5 minutes but the image will never be forgotten. Anyway the game got under way after the cops arrived to deal with the pikeys who complained that a cricketer was playing with himself on the pitch. They left after feeling sympathy for Tush as the stump didn’t even buy Tush dinner or take him to a movie before the indecent assault. Jason “I won’t do a Jonty ever again” H made up for some previous fielding blunders by throwing in a tracer from the boundary and running out the dangerous oppo batsman who was on 50 odd. The oppo then settled down to reach 180 and the bonus point. Test match cricket followed and most of the boys were a sleep and did not notice the other wickets falling. Gerry picked up a second and Hefner Hughes bowled his longest spell since records began. The oppo reaching 183-6 from 45. The boys walked off still laughing at Tush. We resorted to drinking the funnel fines in the bushes as apparently it has been outlawed by the league.

Man of the Match- Craig “ My girlfriend made me wear the all black Jersey” Harper although Andrew “ The real deal” Jarrett might have had a shout if it wasn’t for his muppetry in the field.
Bowler- Ryan for a great spell and only one beamer.
Muppet- Tush “Five Finga” Wadawha.
Fielding moment- Nks direct hit and Jasons tracer bullet throw.

MCCC 2nd Team versus Guildford City
League
Played at Raynes Park
Won toss and bowled
Cloudy and semi hard pitch
Lost by 40 runs

The second Team boys descended upon Raynes park to take up arms in the league once more. The Skip deciding to have the boys do fielding drills to impress the watching pikeys on the boundary. The boys running around and firing the ball over the keepers head on many an occasion. The oppo finally arrived and we were able to get proceedings under way. Simon “Call me Skip” Watt winning the toss and showing confidence in his crack fielding unit by deciding to bowl. The boys wandered out to the middle to start the fireworks. Tush begging AJ to bowl from the one end as he had been psychologically damaged at that end by a 12 year old who smashed him to all corners on Wednesday night. AJ agreeing to this and starting proceedings into the wind from the small swamp end. AJ had obviously being paying attention to Ryan Langs bowling on pitch one and began with a beamer followed by one down leg. Great start. AJ managed to bring things back on line but did go for a boundary. Tush “I hate 12 year old batsmen” Mahwah starting from the other end. Tush and AJ both settling into a good line and length and soon had the oppo openers fishing and scrambling around. Both getting swing and movement. Tush made the breakthrough trapping the left hander lbw. AJ was having a fine battle with the other opener. The opener finally fell caught by Steve “ The sly one” O Neil. Aj followed this up by trapping the next at lbw. The boys on a roll now with the oppo 20-2 from 10. Tush bowled the next batsman with a wonderful delivery and this was followed by Simon’s sharp fielding at slip. Tush appealing for an lbw. The batsman trying to fool the ump by posing 2 feet outside of his crease. This ploy backfired as Simon “They call me Chris Cairns back home “ Watt took a shy from the slips and ran out the bat. Great Stuff. AJ continued to bowl although he cut his run up in half in order to prevent the serious cardiac arrest that was imminent. AJ bowled the next batsmen and the boys were ecstatic as they had the oppo at 46-6 from 20. Simon replaced Tush and began a tight spell. AJ reached a milestone by bowling 10 on the trot (a feat that has not been achieved since he was 16”was replaced by Azza “ Chicks want me and guys want to be like me” Malik. Azza “the Southfields express” beginning his monster run up as AJ was crawling to the sideline as he couldn’t feel his legs anymore. Azza began with a mixture of deliveries but was soon on target. Trapping the one bat lbw “Thanks to the longest and loudest lbw appeal ever heard” and bowling the other. This lead to as strange situation of the big hitting number 8 batsmen trying to steal strike from the 10 years that were coming in. The boys could not hold onto a few sharp chances. Colin “Shane bond is medium pace compared to me” Porter replacing Simon. Colin producing some good deliveries. Grahame “Strike bowler” Pinkney was brought on and snapped up a wicket thanks to a good catch at square leg. Tush was very happy as he exercised the demons by catching the 10 year old batsmen out.

The oppo number 8 opened up a whirlwind and proceeded to smash the bowlers. Hitting the mighty Malik for 3 sixes. The oppo frustrating us by taking a single on the last ball of every over. The first controversial moment arrived with 2 minutes of the oppos batting time left. If the boys got them all out then we would have 45 overs to bat, however if we did not then we would only have 32 overs (later to be upped to 34 due to some suspicious mathematics). The number 8 dropping the ball into covers to get the strike for the next over. However Andrew “ Something might snap or fall off but I am still going to try “ Jarrett doing a one hand pickup and throw to Steve Vickery. Steve whipping the bails off with the youngster about 2 feet outside of the crease. The oppo umpire giving the not out decision as the batsman finally arrived at the crease 30 seconds after the bails were taken off. Everyone was stunned including the 1sts on pitch one who saw the run out and stated emphatically that they thought the guy was out as well. The oppos innings over. We can not say what score we were chasing as the auditors had to be called in as nothing in the book added up. The batsmen’s totals and extras =126 the bowlers totals and byes = 127 yet the oppo had 141 as their final total. Had this been politics then an independent enquiry would have been called for. Apparently 100 + 26 = 141. Who knew that all our mathematical education was a blatant lie? The boys feeling quite angry as apparently we had 32 overs to chase 142 yet the oppo had faced 34 overs and scored 126.

Anyway we had tea and prepared to bat.

Pal” Boycot” Chakovraty and Simon “I lead from the front” Watt strode out to chase the 4.5 runs per over needed. The boys were going well until pal got bowled. Simon decided that he would follow suit and edged onto his stumps. The boys 0-2 now from 7. This brought Mark “Legside or bust” Bartram to the crease with Colin “Ready to unload” Porter. The boys ticking the score along nicely before Mark decided to get caught. Azza “ Fear me” Malik strode in and immediately pulled one of his massive muscles trying to swing one of the 12 year olds off the park. This resulted in Mark going back in as a runner. The boys began smashing the ball with Azza smashing a glorious six over the swamp. Azza fell trying to smash the spinner. Colin’s resistance ended shortly after. Steve O Neil and Nabhan took up the challenge with the boys at 70 for-5 after 15 overs. Nabhan went down swinging. This brought Andrew “six or stix” Jarrett to the crease. AJ promising the skip that he would try to curb his attacking instincts. However this promise went out the window as AJ pulled the first ball he received into the outfield narrowly avoiding the fielder in the process.. AJ and Steve settled down to the spinners who were not spinning the ball at all. However Steve O had a rush of blood and tried to hoick a delivery that ended up bowling him. AJ was joined by Tush but soon departed after being bowled by the first ball that spun all day. Tush and Steve Vickery tried to continue the battle with Tush hitting some boundaries. Steve V fell lbw and this brought in Grahame. The hope of a fight back was ended on 101 when Tush was bowled trying to smash a ball on leg stump.

The boys were dejected after this as we felt we should have won the game. Unfortunately we let the game slip away from us.

Oh well next game hey.
Special not must be made of Azza’s kung fu kick attempt to stop the ball.

The league boys returned to Raynes Park for the fifth instalment of their league campaign. Jimbo had been telling the boys the whole week that the 'easy matches' were now a thing of the past, and that the remaining 11 matches were a totally different proposition and should be treated as cup finals. While the boys lazed around the clubhouse lapping up the unusually warm and dry summer English conditions, Roy received his usual weekend thank you calls from Mrs Fordham for again spending his weekly wage at the shop. The common consensus was that the new bowling boots signalled Roy's intention to kick on from his 20/20 bowling display on wednesday, or maybe they were just a big thank you and well done present for himself. Either way, Mrs Fordham told Roy that she was concerned she hadn't seen Steve for a week and was worried about him. Jason was also displaying his new purchase, although most will say he should've have bothered. Its not clear whether Roy won or lost the toss, although it is safe to assume he didn't and MCCC took the field first. The boys were really fired up and this was evident in the good fielding and tight bowling display early on. Ryan was getting some good pace off the wicket, and Matt bowled his usual good line and length. The oppo make it clear that they didn't want to hang around for too long - maybe they were Welsh fans and wanted to watch the rugby lesson being given in Bloem - and tried get on with it from ball one. Ryan was hit for a couple of boundaries, the pitch unfortunately not assisting the aggro approach but he did managed to get the prized scalp of the opener (who scored 156 the week before) when he played on while trying to dispatch Ryan into the picnic area. This brought no. 3 to the crease. The bat's headband should have signalled to the boys of his intention to run for everything. This was no Forest Gump though. The one shot wonder attempted to make up the remainder of his runs by running himself and his co-batsman into and out of the ground. During one particular mad dash and bad call for a second, Steve produced a tracer bullet throw from the boundary to the bowler's end and Roy did the necessary to send the one of the oppo's more handier looking batsman packing. By this stage the headband hero was riding his luck and trying to cut everything away to the offside, narrowly missing the edge of his bat on a number of occasions. Frustrated by his lack of scoring opportunities, the collarless bat stabbed at a ball to backward point and immediately set off for a suicidal run. Sensibly he was sent back, but by this stage Jason had swooped and picked up the ball and began sprinting towards the stumps, as thoughs of WC 1992 came flashing back to him. Corrie, sensing the opportunity, hovered at the stumps with the bat well out of his crease. For the second time in 6 months, Jason 'not as quick Jonty' had to pull out of the dive sensing that he wouldn't have made it, and then tried to throw down the stumps from 10 foot with Corrie waiting at the stumps. Roy was beside himself, although it isn't clear whether he was still upset over the fact that Mrs Fordham seemed to be more interested in his brother than him, or the fact that a golden chance to send the headband back to hut went a begging. The ball by this stage was at square leg. Jason has missed the stumps and Corrie. What a circus. Craig, fresh from a midweek 6 hitting master class and amid rumours that he may give up bowling altogether to concentrate solely on his batting and also that he was possibly emigrating to New Zealand to marry and settle down, was asked to warm up. Any concerns over Harper's bowling were misplaced as the Banana began to rip through the oppo's batting line up. Ryan picked up another stick with Matt taking a good catch at square leg. Tiaan ' I like to jol hard', MCCC's answer to Australia's finest spin exponent, began dish up his usual three finga shuffle and produced some unplayable balls. Tiaan looked as though he had sent Headband back to the pavilion when the bat was clearly caught behind. The twitchy umpire thought otherwise and aggressively turned the appeal down, to the boys and the other umps dismay. Tiaan wrapped up the innings by trapping Headband for 40 odd and the oppo finished up on 98. Craig 'Back in Action' Harper finished with 5-12, a great effort. Matt and Steve got proceedings under way against a modest looking attack. Matt was first out missing a straight one for 2, and Jason didn't last much longer either chasing a wide one to gulley for 6. The Powerbow not getting the knock in that was hoped. Steve and Nick put together a good partnership, both playing some fluent shots although Steve appeared to be more subdued, and when he did hit a massive six over square he immediately asked to have his bat changed apparently punishing it for being so aggressive. Steve and Hefner were clearly worried about the team's failure to individually build big innings this season, after butchering the Wey Valley oppo last year. Hefner in particular looked more reserved than usual and waited until his third ball to unleash his trademark cover drive.
Steve hit a watchful 30 odd and Hefner got out at slip again for 25. No obvious slip catching practice given by Nick this week but a good catch by the oppo to get rid of him in any event. Gerry batted fluently and chased down the remaining runs with cunsumate ease, in the end boys winning at a canter by 6 wickets and with 25 odd overs to spare. This left the team sitting back in the afternoon sun contermplating the fact that the first 'cup final' had been won - making it 5 from 5 in the league.

Man of the match: Craig 'back in business' Harper
Catch of the match: Imran 'Almost TFC' Sayed
Muppet of the match: Jason '2 minds' Howarth

League versus Morden 2nd team
Played at Morden
Cloudy and humid
Soft and wet pitch
Fielded first and won by 6 wickets.

The league crew descended upon our once parent club Mordent to do battle. Most of the boys arrived at the pitch which was a good sign as the Skip had tried his best to disqualify us by sending the boys to the wrong ground to play the wrong team. After a quick reorganization the boys managed to locate the correct pitch and all arrived. The skip however was still driving around asking the pikeys for directions and only pitched up 5 mins before the cut off time. Anyway after listening to Tushes sex, drugs and videotape stories from his Friday night adventures, the boys ambled out to the pitch to examine it and discovered that it was somewhat damp. The skip deciding after some debate to bowl if we were to win the toss. We ended up bowling and our motley crew scampered on to the field to fire missiles at each other for warm up. AJ starting proceedings and watching in amusement as the openers tried to smash the ball but with no avail. Ryan charged in from the other end and was unlucky to be denied some rather plumb looking lbw decisions. Aj continued to toil from the other end and was also disgusted not to get a lbw decision. The boys were looking much better in the field and it would appear that the scheduled weekly muppet outdoor extravaganza had been cancelled. Ryan and AJ restricted the openers to 20 runs from 10. Ryan struck first having the opener caught by Steve “Related to Roy” Cumings in the covers. This inspired AJ to bowl as many wides as he could. After two fine wides AJ had the other opener caught by Jason “I catch the ball with my chest but don’t care cause I am f$%$ing Cool” Howarth at point. AJ followed this up having the number four caught By Imran “dead cert for fielder of the year” Sayad at gully. The oppo now 25 odd for 3 from 12 overs. Aj was worried that the skip might make him bowl more than six overs after taking 2 quick sticks so he bowled down the leg to make the skip change him. Ryan finished a superb spell and was replaced by Five finga Wadwha. Five finga obviously suffering from the previous nights excesses as he seemed to have the hand eye coordination of a Fish who has just had arms transplanted onto its body. Tushs reaction time similar to that of Ozzy Osbourne. Tush began with a short one, followed by a short one and then got a wicket with a short one. Steve” Fielder of the year competition” C taking the catch in the covers again. Thank god the oppo were hitting to the people who can catch in the team.
Tiaan “I turn it a mile in both directions” Steenkamp replacing AJ. Aj wondering off to collapse on the boundary and attempt to sew back on the body parts that fell off during his spell. Tiaan immediately bamboozling the batsman with his second ball. After watching the first leg break turn from leg the bat decided to play safe and leave the ball as it pitched outside off. He watched in horror as the googlie ripped back and just missed the off stump. Tiaan and tush bowled well with Tiaan causing the oppo all sorts of problems. Corrie unlucky not to take some sharp stumping chances. Tiaan eventually picking up a stick when Roy “ I chase the ball with fielders and have one m in Cumings” Cumings stuck Imran “looking for the hatrick today” Sayad in the perfect position to pick up his second catch. Roy “Respect my authority” comings trying to kill AJ by placing him at a short leg gully when Tush seemed to be determined to bowl as short and as far outside leg as he could. AJ writing his last will and testament in the dirt as the bat desperately tried to smash the ball at him. The skip brought himself on and was obviously under the impression (or influence to make him think) that he was Bret Lee. Roy telling AJ to stand 10 meters behind the slips. The next ball landing where AJ had been before the skip moved him back. The chirp was flying and Roy told everyone to respect his authority or die. Tiaan picked up his second stick with Corrie taking a great stumping. Oppo now about 6 down for 40 odd. Roy picked up 2 quick sticks both bowled. This brought in the oppo skip that looked keen to annihilate everything. His first action was to smash Roy straight back and nearly take out the ump. The swings were hard but not many resulting runs. Hefner Hughes was in much better shape after drinking the night before and looked back to his usual not sober state. His efforts to be sober at cricket games severely effecting his performances. Hef providing some entertainment as partook in possibly the all time worst chase of a cricket ball in history. The trickling ball beating hefs walking chase to the boundary. Roy picked up another stick as did Gerry and that was that. Oppo 83 all out.

Steve and Corrie took to the field to reply. Steve looking to use the massive edges on his bat by edging everything he got whilst Corrie deciding that he would not die wondering. Corrie smashed the opening 3 bowlers out of the attack in 6 overs and was soon on 30 after about 4 balls faced. He was undone going for a shot that would of landed in Scotland had he connected. Unfortunately bat missing ball by some distance and corrie cart wheeling around just in time to see the keeper throw the ball on to the stumps. Jason strode in and smashed a few big shots before being caught on the boundary. Hefner Hughes arrived and swung like we had 2 balls left. Hef carefully constructed innings including one leave, a block and 4 shots smashed over the covers before being caught. Hef not realizing that the late cut actually becomes catching practice if you try to play it so late that you cut it out of the keepers hands. Imran joined Steve. Steve reserving some special magic. Requiring 2 to win Steve smashed the ball which landed and stopped just shy of the boundary. Not realizing this Steve was caught out flexing and posing by a quick witted fielder who slung the ball in leaving steve out of his ground. Scores tied and Tiaan in. tiaan looked like he was willing to block out the remaining 25 overs. Imran got the winning run.
AJ refused his funnel due to possible heart failure. Tush almost spewing his back out.
Good win for the lads.
Men of the match- everyone.
Bat of the match- Corrie
Bowler- Roy (although his figures would have been better if his field placement wasn’t rubbish)
Space cadet award- Tush