MCCC vs Netherne CC
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-- Form: 'Match_Report_Template'
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1. Opposition Name:
'Netherne CC'
2. Match Played at:
'Netherne, Surrey'
3. Match Played home or away:
'Away'
4. Date of match:
'04/21/2007'
5. Weather:
'Hot, sunny and blue sky'
6. Toss won by:
'MCCC won toss and batted'
7. Pitch Condition:
'Uneven'
8. Match Format:
'Overs Game (40 per side)'
9. MCCC Total:
'159'
10. MCCC Batting Order:
'1. Kaleem 14
2. Mark B 10
3. Steve O 5
4. Azam 8
5. Jason W 1
6. Tush 26
7. Andy J 27
8. Cuan 0
9. Jim P 18
10. Andy A 29
11. Steve V 0'
11. Notable batting performances:
''
12. Oppostion Total:
''
13. Notable Bowling performances:
'Andy Allan 7.4/27/3
Andy J 8/30/2
Steve O 5/27/1
Tush 5/15/0
Kaleem 5/23/1
Azam 3/15/0'
14. Match Result:
'Netherne won by 3 wickets'
15. Champagne moment:
'Kaleem's ridiculous leg break that turned from the edge of the pitch to take the off stump.'
16. MCCC Man of the Match:
'Andy Allan - For his runs and wickets'
17. Additional Comments about match:
'Fresh from their thrashing of Crossbats the previous Saturday. Morden Corinthians' Saturday 1st XI descended on the sleepy village of Netherne in confident mood. On a beautiful clear day in picturesque settings, in front of a soon to grow crowd, Morden Corinthians were set to bat first.
However, before Morden's innings began, disarray was rife in the camp. One half of our dazzling opening partnership was AWOL. In fact, three of our star players had not appeared. Where were Azam, Andy A and Tush? Skipper Jason, in the absence of Azam, decided to promote our new player, Kaleem, to open the batting.
With a new batting order finalised, Mark "Im NOT going to get out to the pull shot" Bartram and Kaleem "Can i appeal when im batting as well?" strode to the crease. Initial reports on the pitch indicated it had been imported from the WACA - the pitch turned out to be quick but with very variable bounce.
The Netherne bowlers were on the money straight away - giving very little away, they bowled quick and straight and had both our openers under pressure. Despite the accurate bowling Mark looked resolute in defence and played some wonderful strokes. They should have gone for boundaries, however the offside boundary was about 3kms away. Bad luck old chap. Kaleem and Mark played steadily until Kaleem skied a pull shot to mid-wicket and was well caught. This brought Steve "I refuse to buy a cricket shirt" O'Neil to the crease to face a pumped up Netherne. Mark soon followed Kaleem being trapped LBW to, yup, you guessed it the PULL shot which was unfortunate considering how well he was playing. Mark was obviously still distraught that his usual opening partner, Azam, was yet to appear.
Around this time Azam, Andy and Tush decided to turn up. The reason for the delay was simple, once the navigation in Azam's car had failed to find the ground, they had to rely on Tush's directions. Which basically involved Andy and Azam trying to work out what Tush was saying; "If we are on Cayton Road and you are on Cherry Tree Road and if we are also at Netherne FC ground and the cow is in the field and if i can eat a kebab in one go and also tell you about the time i was in Jim in the jacuzzi with jim , then where are we?". Attaboy Tush, gotta love the Queen's English.
Azam "I'm too cool for school" Malik came to the crease to face the heat. Azam was immediately pinned down by the opposition but played calmly and assuredly to get off the mark. Meanwhile, Steve "I can salsa in my pads as well" O' Neil played a lovely late cut (hmmm) which was parried to the boundary by 1st slip only to be bolwed by a rank full toss in the following over. This brought our skipper, Jason "who stole my valium?" Ware to the crease. Meanwhile, Netherne brought on their first change bowler, an amalgamation of Malinga and Shaun Tait. With a low, slingy action he knocked back Jason's off peg with a ball that pitched half way down but never rose above 2 inches. Bad luck skip.
This brought Tush "OK Azam, Pakistan IS better than India" Wadwha to the crease. Meanwhile, Malinga Tait managed to crash a rising delivery into Azam's designer ribs. On fracturing his rib, Azam exhaled about 4 cubic litres of smoke. I knew there was a cigarette in there somewhere. Soon after, Azam "where the hell are you running Tush? I cant breathe!" smashed Malinga Tait back over his head for a towering six. After another crazy attempt at a single, Tush was at the end of a fearsome mid-pitch admonishment from Azam, this led to a break in the concentration of the mighty all rounder and Azam was out next ball, trying to flick to leg and getting caught in the gully. Oh dear. Azam will now need 100 in his next match to regain his average of 50.
With Morden in all sorts of problems, Andy "I promise not to hurl on the pitch" Jarrett came to the crease. Andy and Tush, against the run of play, batted like Tendulkar and Klusener, smashing the Netherne bowlers to all parts of the pitch. After Tush smashed a couple of beatiful Yuvraj Singh-esque drives over mid off, Andy tried to out do him with consecutive 3 4's - all shots an improvement on the former. Thanks to Tush and Andy, the Morden ship was steadied, however the seas were to soon to be choppy once more.
Andy was dismissed, which was a great blow considering how well he was playing and was replaced by Cuan "Small, round and bounces on the gound" Brown. Cuan played some solid looking defensive shots before he was trapped in front for 0. Bizarrely enough, Jason raised his finger before the bowler had even appealed. Cuan "Jason, i thought we were friends!?!?!" Brown trudged back to the pavilion dejectedly only for Jim "I love Pete Docherty" Paine to come to the crease.
Tush, obviously in awe of Jim's rock star status, was soon out playing another expansive drive only to be caught at slip. With Andy "I dont have f***ing anger mangement problems" Allan now at the crease, Jim and our favourite Kiwi set about the Netherne attack with gusto creaming their bowlers straight as well as square for some glorious boundaries. Jim, still fresh from his gig in Camden the night before laced some glorious cover drives in true rockstar fashion, he was admirably supported by Andy who cracked some fearsome pulls and drives. Eventually, Morden were bowled out for 159, with Steve V preserving his infinite average with another 0*.
So, the scene was set. Netherne needed 160 to win from 40 overs and we knew what we needed - quick wickets and lots of them. Fortunately for us, we have one of the deadliest opening bowling combinations in the South - Jarrett and Allan. The terrible twosome. The masters of disaster. The.....well, you get the picture. The Andy & Andy Show started off with some real heat and from the gradually withering stance of their batsmen, we knew we had a chance. It only took till the 2nd over for Morden to break through, Andy "Not by the hairs on my chinny, chin, chin" Jarrett bowling a most fantastic leg cutter to catch the glove of the opener, safely pouched by Steve V, everyone was up in appeal!! Joy turned to anguish as the umpire refused to lift the finger, fortunately Netherne are a good sporting team and the oppo bastmen walked. Its nice to see such sportsmanship, expecially after Andy Allan expelled every profanity known to man during his first over.
It didnt take long for the Netherne #3 to fall. Andy Allan's next over produced a most stunning away swinger that pitched outside leg and hit leg. The batsman looked like he had seen a ghost and in fairness, that ball had no right hitting the stumps! We love reverse swing! Netherne certainly didnt. Andy and Andy continued to build the pressure with Andy bowling one extremely impressive over which resulted in 3 massive LBW shouts - typical AJ luck, it wasnt given. Even more typical, next over AA came on and got the same batsman out, yup, you guessed it, plum in front. (Arent they all?). AJ and AA continued to bowl well and kept the pressure on untill Steve O Neil came on 1st change with Tush coming on 2nd change. Both bowled very well and economically at first, but the pitch had flattened out since the morning and there was very little movement off the pitch. Despite that Steve O Neil got stuck in with a wicket with his cheeky medium pacers and Tush "I've reached puberty, honest!" emulated his hero Irfan Pathan with no wickets.
The pressure on Morden began to build and it took a flash of brilliance from Jason "who swapped my valium for amphetamines?" Ware to change the game. The Netherne batsman creamed (when i say creamed, we are talking full fat, lard and cherry) a full toss at Jason who pouched the catch and yelled in exultation (yes, Jason actually made a sound audible to the human ear). With that brilliant catch the whole side was lifted, just what we expect from the skipper - to keep it up, when everyone else is down.......Tush, calm down.
Meanwhile, our secret weapon, Kaleem (turns it like Warne, bowls it like Afridi, looks like Saqlain) was operating from the forest end and was tieing Netherne up in all sorts of knots with his prodigious turn. It took an absolute gem to remove one of their middle order batsmen who had become a real thorn in our side. Bowling over the wicket, Kaleem drifted the ball to a foot outside leg only for it to grip, turn and take out the off (yes, off!) stump. So stunned was the batsman, he just stood their and laughed! And so did we - more in surprise that Kaleem hadnt appealed for the wicket, considering he had previously appealed for - bat before wicket, caught behind without actually hitting it and stumped although both feet and bat are in the crease.
Soon after Azam came onto bowl, nursing his cracked rib he tried his best to maintain the pressure but soon decided that smoking was more fun than bowling and came off after 3 overs. Azam has promised to quit smoking and use his X-trainer all week to allow him to bowl more than 3 balls before becoming a candidate for respiratory failiure. Damn those Marlboros!
So, it was coming down to the wire. Netherne were 120 - 5, with 40 to get - we were getting desperate. Enter Jarret and Allan, part 2. Andy "i need at least 56 minutes to warm up if im going to bowl" Jarrett came on, bowling at a reduced pace due to the shoulder injury, Andy lacked penetration. It was only when he pulled out some extra spicy biltong that he produced another rip-roaring delivery to remove their set batsmen. Trying to cut, he was beaten for pace (must be the biltong!) and edged the ball straight into Steve V's armpit! As Borat would say, "GREAT SUCCESS!"
That was pretty much it for us, a few cheeky singles and lucky boundaries left them with 7 needed before Andy "Why cant i run in a straight line?" Allan picked up another wicket with a wicked inswinging yorker. Alas, like Brandy once sang - it was a little too much, a little too late and Netherne cruised over the finish line with 3 wickets in hand.
It was a throughly enjoyable game -Netherne bowled well and deserved to win. On the other side, we should have own, our top order let us down badly and with another 20 runs on the board we would have won. Well done to all our bowlers who really were up for this game, but sadly, we just didnt have enough runs.
I would also like to commend Netherne on their wonderful ground, tea, hospitality and all round sportsmanship. It truly was an enjoyable match and a fixture we all look forward to.
On a more sombre note, one of the Netherne players had to rush to hospital due to an illness in the family, Morden Corinthians would like to extend their best wishes and we all hope for the infirmed to have a speedy recovery.
Funny Moments of the Match.
*Kaleem appealing for everything including belly before wicket
*Jason W screaming at Tush to "LEAVE IT OUT!" when Tush was getting a bit rude to the oppo. Jason even scared ME with that one!
*Jim Paine making a massive leap in an attempt to make a catch! Emulating his hero Pete Docherty's stage diving! No mosh pit this time Jim!
*Jim P and Andy Allan forgetting that they were actually grown men playing a cricket match and deciding to chase each other around the pitch like a couple of giddy schoolgirls, except they were both batting and nearly got run out.
*Tush's reaction to Steve V dropping a catch behind - I was waiting for the four horsemen of the apocalypse and the end of the world to arrive.
'
