1st Team verus Churchleigh

Won by 140 odd runs.

The Circus act commonly known as the Morden Corinthians 1st team descended upon the sleepy town of Churchleigh for the first game of the season. The GPS units were put to good use after driving through the lovely surroundings of Corydon and past some sheep filled pastures. An argument broke out in Roy’s car as he would not slow down to allow Hefner Hughes to admire the woolly young animals on the side. Anyway we arrived at the very posh private estate and were directed to park in the woods so as not to embarrass the locals. As the crew meandered past the pitch it was noted that the actual playing surface resembled a sponge and the outfield looked as fast as one legged tortoise. The grass being at least ankle deep. The skip took off with Tush in tow to go grab lunch for the boys and arrived just in time to wander out to the middle with a case of coke under his arm to do the toss. Not sure what the result was as the author was in the middle of an argument with Campfire Cummings about what degree of curve to have on your cap. Steve reckoning that the close to but not quite chav style was the one to go for where as I reckoned that the full curve is the bets. Anyway we were batting. Steve “I is nearly a chav” Cummings and Andrew “Curved cap but not sure which end of the bat to hold” Jarrett strode out to face the music on the dodgy track.

It was immediately apparent that batting would be hard as the ball moved and behaved erratically. AJ soon discovered that he was holding the wrong end of the bat and returned to the pavilion after being bowled by a low one for 4. Jason H strode out and strode back in again. Bowled for 1. This brought the legendary Hefner to the crease. Hef emphatically telling all and sunder that he was not going to play off the back foot on this pitch. Anyway as Hefner launched the bowler for six off the back foot we thought normal service had resumed. Steve and Nick put together a great partnership with Steve hitting some big pull shots and Hefner using his patented straight drive for six off the back foot. Hef sparked a mini Mexican wave of 2 people when hitting one big six. Steve provided some entertainment by smashing the bowler in the windpipe before being bowled by a repeat of AJs ball except he made 42 more than AJ. This brought in the skip who immediately began to see if the fielders could catch. They couldn’t. Nick reached his fifty and the baas from the fields could be heard. Hef was out next for a great 61. This brought NK to the crease, he discovered that the pitch was dodgy and soon returned after receiving a great Yorker. Imran “ I agree with AJ on the curve of the cap” Sayed came in and he and Roy set up shop and put together a nice partnership with some great shots. The oppo's young spinner was bowling beautifully flighted spin but was discovering the saffie mentality of in the arc out the park. The author was umping and sportingly offered the youngster some advice. He told the youngster not to get married till he was 50 and to adopt a 24year college graduate. He also told the youngster to bowl a quicker ball as he was bound to get Roy out. True to form the next over and the youngster zipped one in. Roy fell over trying to swing him out the park and was rapped on the pad straight in front. The author gunned him down before the appeals were audible. This brought The sly Fox Steve O in. Steve O was in for some batting practice and played the block shot perfectly. Imran was next out for a great knock of 36 odd. This brought Ryan “ Bring it on” Lang into the Frey. The pair were quite the opposite as Steve O blocked and Ryan tried to launch everyone. The spinner picked up Ryan’s middle pin as Ryan tried to hoist him. Tush “ Run out waiting to happen” Wadwha arrived and watched Roy give Steve out to a stomach above wicket appeal. Debutant Pete “They call me Pistol Pete” arrived and started to smash the bowlers around. This obviously got Tush excited and prompted Tush t take one of his suicide singles which resulted in Pete being run out by a mile. We posted 200 odd.

After Tea the test match resumed. The Left arm Terrors opening with both Tush and Ryan bowling good line and length. We knew it would be slow going after the oppo were 21-1 after 10 overs with Ryan picking up a deserved stick. Andrew “wide wide full toss” Jarrett was brought on and discovered a new way to bowl a wide with a slower ball bouncer. The batsmen could not score or buy a run and in Tandem with Steve O Neil who picked up a stick bowling his usual cunning spell, ensured that the oppo were 36-2 after 20 overs. NK made his appearance and immediately had the batsman neatly stumped by Imran. NK getting big turn and bowling well. He was joined by Pete who bowled well and was seriously unlucky to not pick up a stick as the fielding circus was in full force. Some notably acts were the two dropped catches by Jason who vehemently claimed tat he couldn’t pick the ball up in the trees even though they were coming at him at the pace of dead duck falling from the sky. Roy did his usual hand sup routine as the ball dissected his arms. AJ took one in the ghoolies and Steve O Neil and NK combined to ensure another dropped catch. This magical fielding display was rounded up by Tushs robotic man chase, arm load and fire throw which was closely followed by Hefners special act. The ball was looping to Hef at Midd on except Hefner was clearly dreaming of the sheep that he had past on the way to the ground. As he awoke to the ball dipping by his feet and pulled out the magic reflexes and shot his hands down for the catch. The problem being that he caught his shoe as the ball landed in front of his foot. Anyway the oppo were 50-4 after nk took a catch off his own bowling. The skip in order to prevent rigor mortis for some of the fielders gave everyone a bowl except Chucker Cummings and the wicky. Jason picking up a stick as did Roy. The oppo ending on a mind blowing 76 from 40 overs. This equates to a magical run rate of 1.9 runs an over. Considering Morden ere 90-2 from 15.

Man of the match Hefner Hughes for his fifty
Drop of the day- Jason “tree vision” Howarth
Chav award- Steve Cummings

Pitch and Weather Conditions - Cold, Wet and Moist
Battersea Ironside v A Morden Corinthians X1
Sat 19 April 2008
Captain Pal – Morden won the toss and batted
Ironside won by 7 wickets

It was on a cold winters( or was it meant to be spring) day, when a Morden Corinthians X1 (kindly sponsored by the Star Curry House in Cheam – runs guaranteed) arrived shivering at Battersea Irons after being called into service after their original opposition pulled out.
It was not lost on any of us that whilst we were playing down the road in Earlsfield that play had long been abandoned for the day at the nearby Oval. Whilst some of the more eager beavers had a warm up which didn’t involve a cup of tea but an actual bat and ball, others huddled in the dressing room (apparently its good for team bonding!?!?) whilst the rest of us examined the pitch. After careful consideration and some good prods, it was decided it looked like a cream sponge cake which had been left out in the cold and rain and had grown green and moist.
Upon winning the toss, Pal chose to bat and both openers set about seeing off the new-ball. It soon became apparent however that scoring was going to be hard on a pitch that was slow and uneven. In fact it began to resemble Dunkirk with balls keeping low and then spitting up off a length, and the outfield consisting mostly of muddy football fields with little or no grass on. The bowlers were also finding it difficult bowling jaffa’s one ball and then struggling to find the cut strip with the next.
Things were going ok however until a controversial run out ended a promising opening stand. The ball was dropped into the onside and the skipper Pal after a slight hesitation responded to the call and set off for a quick single. The wicketkeeper (more of him later) gathered the ball however appeared not to keep it in his gloves when removing the bail. He did not appeal but others from farther from the action with a limited view did so Pal, ever the honourable cricketer, looked at the square leg umpire who exercised his trigger finger with lightening speed. Only later did Theo reflect that there was possibly some doubt about the run out, but the opportunity to reverse his decision had passed and so Pal was out for 4.
That brought Simon to the wicket and he again found the movement off the pitch difficult to play at first however for each good ball there was a wide and a kind bye from the wicketkeeper. In true Aussie style the keeper who was also the captain did like a bit of banter behind the stumps, however for most of the innings he had trouble keeping not just his mouth closed but his legs as well! In fairness the pitch was a minefield but it did mean that his (good natured) banter got quieter every once in a while.
Unfortunately by this stage I was back in the pavilion after being bowled middle stump for 15, bringing Azza to the crease. He and Simon progressed along quietly, Simon surviving a very close LBW decision along the way to a scrappy 17 until he departed.
At this stage we had a bit of a wobble with our middle order. Azza decided that, despite the damp weather and being made of wood that his bat needed to be hung out to dry and edged for a promising top score of 26, whilst Paul, Jason, Tush all failed to trouble the scorers.
This lead to ‘Trigger’ (or as he was christened Theo) walking out to bat on hat-trick ball and to much banter from the keeper who ordered his bowler to continue the streak and bowl another W. So he did – a wide.
So, we were 7 down, with over 10 overs left and starring a total of just 80 odd in the face. Theo and Sankat however had other idea and wagged their respective tails scoring 9 and 23 respectively and bringing us to respectability! They played both spin and pace very well and earned the teams respect and the batsman’s thanks for making up for their shortcomings!
Eventually we were bowled out just short of the full 40 overs for 134 and we were left reflecting on an innings of top order starts but no one going on, a middle order of noughts (well it was good weather for ducks) and a strong showing from the tail.
After a fantastic tea (hot chicken nuggets and sausage rolls included) where I got told off by the tea lady for taking too much we braved the elements (which had grown colder and also wetter) to try and defend out meagre total. We even had a team huddle to keep warm and to try and intimidate the oppo.
Unfortunately the first few overs did not go well. A mixture of the cold, a wet ball, wet run up’s and the team bowling and fielding like sieves didn’t help our cause, as their top order batsman opened up their arms in a display the IPL would have been proud of. One of their openers for instance decided to bat well out of his crease and Brendon McCullum like walk up the pitch to our bowlers meaning he was already half way to the non strikers end when he was hitting the ball.
Dropped catches didn’t help either. After a masterly batting performance, Sinkat discovered that studs are a must as he called for a skier of a catch only to slip and fall on his arse, dropping the ball in the process, but nearly catching it on the rebound. It was a little funny however the cold and the prospect of a defeat in less than twenty over’s meant we didn’t laugh until we were in the warm of the dressing rooms over a beer.
Azza eventually bowled ‘McCullum’ for 11 however with runs leeking from both ends Pal brought on our secret weapons, Simon and Richard Wainer. Runs dried up for Battersea Ironside, as Richard got two quick wickets, whilst Simon kept getting his chances dropped by fielders who could not take their hands out of their pockets in time. From 70 odd for 1 off 13 overs Battersea struggled to score 20 in the next 15 overs and the game briefly threatened to tighten up.
Unfortunately with wickets needed, the elements closing in (but not quickly enough for the game to be called off) and Simon and Richard almost out of overs and almost dying of both hyperthermia and by the sheer weight of holding the team up between them, Pal had to take drastic action....he brought himself on.
With no pressure on them however to score quickly after their quick start and thinking of their averages, Battersea’s batsman milked the field and took no risks eventually going past our score with 9 overs to spare and their opener making an unbeaten 53.
In conclusion; It was cold, at times wet and the pitch was slow and unpredictable – however it was good fun playing again. Scoring was hard but if we are honest most the batsman got themselves out, whilst despite a rallying call from our skipper, the opening 10 overs (and so many drops I lost count) cost us any chance of saving the game. Not even figures from Richard and Simon of 7,0,15,2 and 6,0,20,0 (should read at least 3) could save us.
If you liked reading this match report (well you are probably the only one) I also do after dinner speaking, parties and barmitzphas! Well until the next time someone ‘in their wisdom’ allocates me to do one of these.
Matt Oliver
Memo to self – check weather online before saying yes in midweek and bring thermos to all games from now on!
Disclaimer: All views are those of the author and are meant in a tongue in cheek nature.